Mania

Lately I have been manic. Mania to me is harder to deal with than the anger and the depression. I have learned to deal with the other two extremes, this however is much different and I have no idea what to do when it overcomes me. It throws my feelings into an emotional current, washing up different emotions every few minutes and sometimes washing them together into a blur of raw emotion. I have so many racing thoughts that I have no control over and I can't possibly sleep with all this going on inside my head.

I write because it is therapeutic to me and also helps me understand my own feelings, which are usually not at all rational. This is something I wrote during one of the many nights I was wide awake with this constant flow of thoughts:

Sometimes I feel so empty on the inside. Like the emptiness might swallow my entire being. It's like instead of there being organs inside of me like everyone else, there's just nothing there at all. And I am scared of empty, scared of lonely; scared of the feelings I work so hard to keep on the inside, scared of who I might really be. Sometimes I cry and cry and have no idea why. Sometimes I truly believe the sky might fall right on top of me, crushing everything around me I believe to be real. Sometimes I wish I could just die. Surely everyone would be better off. Sometimes I feel trapped in this life because I could never actually die due to the people around me that need me. I fear becoming like my mom. Weak. Dependent. But aren't I already? As much as I like to think I am different, I'm turning into her. I had rather die. I feel like I am losing touch with reality. Completely losing it. I wonder if I'll ever recover? I don't think I could live life without pain, pain has become so familiar is is almost like a comfort to me. I want to scream until there is no more air left in my lungs, I want to bleed until there is no blood left in my veins, I want to cry until all my tears have dried up. I want to break until I can't be put back together, the glue holding me together seems to wear thin more and more everyday anyway. And lately I just want to bleed. Need to bleed. Need the calming numbness that comes with the flow of blood. I want to feel the pain. Anything is better than the deep hurt I hold inside. Somehow, deep down, I'm still screaming for help and for some reason I still hold some kind of hope that I may find it someday. Once that hope is proven wrong, I'm not sure how I'll make it.

"Sometimes I try to hold my breath until I pass out...succumbing to the realization that I no longer want to breathe..."