I just got done reading the book "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living With Borderline Personality Disorder" and this book is like a road map of my entire life. You may be thinking that this is good bc it can help me deal with all my problems or give me an explanation of the way I am, but it only serves to further confuse me. I know I am a little crazy and I know why, those questions are not the ones I need answered. What I have realized after reading this is I really have no idea who I am at all. While it answers why I follow the same self destructive patterns and what causes this particular disorder it fails to help me understand how much of what I do is actually me or this disorder? It is like watching an episode of Lost, once one question is answered, there are about 100 more that are brought up and left unanswered.
I just can't figure out how many of the decisions I make or thoughts I think are actually me or just fit into this crazy borderline pattern that has consumed my life? How many of my actions were made as if I were on autopilot by this disorder? How many of the emotions I feel are really real and true? I cannot separate myself from this. My moods are so sudden and extreme and my personality so volatile, how do I know which one is me? I don't know where to look inside myself to find out. My whole life I have known I had problems, I know I need therapy, I know I'm not normal, but coming to terms with the severity of it and realizing this is not going to be easy to fix at all, is hard! I feel like my whole world just came crashing down on me and now I have to sort through all the broken pieces. I have to do something, I am hurting myself and I am hurting the people around me and I can't go on like this.
So this is day one of my journey to try to find myself and finally fighting back to overcome Borderline Personality Disorder, wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment