This last time was pretty severe and unfortunately there are some pretty shitty doctors here that I have available to help me. This disease is very much misunderstood, misdiagnosed, or in some cases, nothing at all is known about it. And on a side note here, if you are a doctor and you know nothing about it, please do not try to act like I am wrong in the information I give you. Do yourself some good and fucking learn something so you can help. Help by the way, is a focal point of your job!
I went to the ER thinking they would admit me, as has happened in the past, and that was my intention. Why? Because I was that bad off and when I am that bad I hurt myself and I hurt other people. I was trying to prevent that.
The first three doctors I talk to are all for having me committed. I tell them what is wrong with me, tell them that I am having manic episodes and haven't slept, that I am paranoid, that I am having breaks with reality, that I most definitely would hurt myself, and show that I already have. For some reason the final decision depends on the last doctor I see, we'll call her Dr. Bitch.
Even the first impression of her was bad. Jarrel was told by the nice doctor to stay with me and to not leave me alone. Dr. Bitch walks up to us and the first thing out of her mouth is giving him instruction to go back to the lobby. He tells what he was told very politely and she looks at him and tells him "that's fine, but I am telling you to go to the lobby." He leave and she talks to me about everything going on. Not only does she make it look like I am a burden for her to have to treat that night, but she also makes me feel like it is somehow my fault, like I chose to feel this horribly!
Dr. Bitch proceeds to tell me that I should have come during business hours and that instead I showed up on a Friday night. If I really would have cared, I would have been there sooner.
My thoughts on this will be italicized. It's a hospital! Hospitals are 24 hours therefore they do not have "normal" business hours. I didn't realize you weren't actually supposed to go to the 24 hour hospital past 5. And did she ever think that maybe I didn't have anyone to bring me until after business hours because they work those hours?
She asks why I hadn't come before now if I had been feeling like this for a couple days. She says that I should have come sooner and that she can't help me now.
I thought that maybe the feelings would pass. I never know exactly how long these episodes will last. If it were to go away in a day them this decision would have been a bit extreme. Is this anyones first choice? How many times does someone admit themselves on the first day their depression sets in? It's an extreme measure to take and should be used in extreme cases. And I'm pretty sure she would have been the first to tell me this had I been there a couple days earlier.
She tells me that hospitals are closed and she cannot admit me anywhere tonight. She tells me she is sorry that I don't feel good.
Mental hospitals also do not operate by "normal" business hours. I know because I have been in one. And don't feel good makes it seem like I have a fucking cold.
She asks what medication I am supposed to be on and every time I name one she tells me it will cause me to be suicidal. She tells me she will not prescribe any medications because I could go home and overdose on them.
She is actually what is making me suicidal. And if she really believes I may overdose then she has to believe that I am suicidal which means I meet the criteria for needing to be hospitalized. Also, if I wanted to overdose I have plenty of other bottles of medicine at home I could overdose on. Next time, I will be sure to take them first, then go to the ER.
She goes on to tell me that if I really want help I will go to mental health clinic first thing at 8:00 Monday morning. She brings Jarrel back and tells him not to leave me alone all weekend.
If I really need help I will go to the hospital precisely when I need the help. She apparently believed Jarrel should also operate on business hours because she acted like I was lying to her when I told her he worked on a weekend.
She leaves and I am having a horrible panic attack complete with hyperventilating and shaking so bad I can barely sit in my seat. The nice doctor comes back and apologizes and gives me some numbers to call and a hug. Why couldn't Dr. Bitch be more like that? By the time I left, I really just wanted to go home and slice my wrist open and return to the hospital just to spite her.
This is the worst feeling in the world. What do you do when the health system completely fails you? I felt terrified of making it through the next day. Thanks to lots of valium and friends that care I made until I could get to a doctor that knew what he was doing.
It's so sad how people that have mental health issues can be treated so poorly. Mental disease is just as real as any other disease and can be worse in some cases. Real treatment is needed to get through it, it can't just be ignored and expected to get better.
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