The Gift of Love

‎"love is so powerful that even tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out"

Amidst all the pain and suffering I constantly live with, I am also blessed with so much love. Love is the reason I have made it this long. Even the smallest acts of love have carried me through the darkest moments. I have always been lucky to have wonderfully supportive people in my life. I have and had have some amazing friends that may never know how much they actually helped me to decide to keep living. I have mixed feelings on my family, but I do know they love me and there are certain times in my life I couldn't have made it without them.

I am forever thankful to have the two people closest to me in my life right now, my son and my boyfriend. My son has given me a reason to live. Even if at times I believe no one needs me, that everyone is better off without me, I know my son needs me. He gives me a reason to exist in this world and to fight through the pain. I make mistakes sometimes and sometimes I may not be there emotionally like I feel I should be, but I love him with all my being and do everything I can to let him know that. I try my best to make sure he has a much different childhood than I did. I want to protect his childhood innocence and that happy sparkle in his eye only kids have until he is ready to grow up and see the world for what it is. I never want to rip that part of him away as it was done to me. I may not be perfect, but I believe love is enough.

And I have my amazingly patient and forgiving boyfriend. Most guys would run away as fast as they can; he holds my hand and walks me through the hardest moments of my life and when I can no longer hold myself up, he carries me through. I am not sure where I would be if I didn't have his love and his strength to rely on. I finally feel secure in a relationship, I have not yet gotten rid of the feelings of worthlessness and I will never know what I did to deserve someone like him, but I have security and I have love. I couldn't ask for anything more.

And I never take for granted all the smallest gifts of love I get from people who care, whether it be a phone call to check on me or even an email, because it's the small simplistic things in life that really matter and the thought behind it is anything but small. When I look back at all the people who have been put into my life during the darkest times, I think they were placed there for a reason. I don't think I would be where I am now without them, nor could I continue to make it through this. And when I had no one at all, I had God. Never have I been as truly alone as I feel on the inside. I am still not to the point of believing this, but I will get there with time. Even my son's father, who has every right to absolutely hate me, has become my best friend and is very helpful in me getting better. Unfortunately, I realize more and more how much of our failed marriage is my fault, how much my disease destroyed us, yet he still cares about my wellbeing and I am utterly grateful. I am grateful to have found such a great friend through all the tragedy surrounding us and I am grateful that my son has this kind of person as his father. I may be blind to this again tomorrow, or even in a few hours, but I have been truly blessed and I have a lot to be thankful for.