I spent another night at the hospital again last night. I'm getting so tired of these required trips to the ER. I have even developed favorite doctors and doctors who know me by name as soon as I walk in. My boyfriend knows the hour drive like the back of his hand and my mom is never surprised when she gets the call that I am there once again. I am sure my bosses are tired of the stack of doctors notes that continually get thicker and thicker. I know my son must be tired of hearing "I'm sorry, but mommy is sick today" almost every day. I know I am. I feel so hopelessly lost in these physical ailments that have become not something that I am going through, but who I am. I wasn't always this way, but for the last 3 years my life has become a stream of pills, IVs, hospital stays, fights to obtain medicaid or some kind of financial help to ensure I can get out of bed, doctors, questions that can never seem to be answered, and symptoms that can never seem to be diagnosed. I got pregnant with my 3 year old son and had a very complicated pregnancy from the beginning. Morning sickness started at 4 weeks and lasted until even after I had him, then there were the nosebleeds, migraines, unbearable back pain, acid reflux, heartburn, bladder problems, swelling, anemia, hallucinations, panic attacks, mood swings, dizziness, high blood pressure, heavy breathing, cramps, vision problems, problems focusing and concentrating, insomnia, but chronic fatigue during the day, etc. Almost any possible problem you could have, I had it, and have every since then. Maybe it's related, maybe it's coincidence, either way I am deathly afraid of having another baby. I thought things would improve after having him, I had no idea how wrong I was. And this starts my struggle. At first I thought my body just needed time to heal, just some recovery time, but the normal 6 weeks turned into 6 months which then turned into years. The doctors optimism that I would improve turned into confusion and even literally disbelief that my problems even existed. Some sympathize with me and try to help, some think it's all in my head, some may even think I am hoping for the next strongest narcotic, when really all I want is the live a normal life that any other 22 year old should be able to live. Maybe not "normal" since normality doesn't exist and there is no real definition to being normal, I guess what I want is functionality, physical and mental. I want to excel at my job, I want to go to college and do amazing at it, I want to be a wonderful mother to my son, a good daughter and a great sister, a best friend, and the perfect girlfriend. I want to laugh more than cry and be able to say that sometimes I feel incredible instead of wincing in pain simply because I have to get out of bed. For some reason, this has all been ripped away from me. I do believe in God and I believe He has reasons for everything and plans for everyone, but i find it so hard to live my life this way every day. I hate it that I have to constantly pop pills just to get through the day. I feel like a lab rat they test every new drug that is supposed to help whatever unknown disease I have at the moment. I hate it that usually these drugs have worse side effects than any benefits. I just want someone to care enough to really find out what is wrong with me and the help me, is that too much to ask? I just want help. I spent 2 years in Georgia coming up with a treatment plan. I even spent a week in a mental hospital and had a psychiatrist modify all my medications and schedule times to take each one. Why I was there is a completely different story, but to feed your curiosity I do suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Still no solid diagnosis, but at least a treatment plan for my symptoms which I followed religiously, even setting alarms on my phone to make sure I took the right pill at the right time every day and never taking more than prescribed. I took Tramadol up to 4 times a day for pain(including menstrual cramps, bladder pain, and back pain), I took Adderall in the mornings for chronic fatigue, xanax only if I had panic attacks, depakote before bed as a modd stabilizer, elmiron for my bladder disease(interstitial cystitis). I move here, to Louisiana, and can't seem to find any doctor that will fill those prescriptions and instead we start all over with the guinea pig process. The worst part is when they look at me like I just want the pills. Taking narcotics may fun for people who don't truly need them, but it is devastating to absolutely have to take them to be able to function in every day life and I would do anything to live a life without pain and without pain prescriptions. There are also the doctors who think it's all in my head, that I'm just crazy, or overstressed and letting my emotions cause physical ailments. I will say that I do struggle with mental illness, but I am also well educated and very in tune with my body so I know when I am depressed and it is intensifying my pain or fatigue. I also know that I am definitely not depressed every day of my life so that is not the reason for my problems at all. I have also come a long way in battling my mental diseases and have a huge decrease in problems related to that. In fact, a lot of my stress leading me into anxiety or depression is now because of how difficult it has become for me to deal with my physical illness instead of the opposite. Every morning I open my eyes I begin dealing with these problems. My first waking thought is that I should take my Tramadol as soon as possible to numb my chronic back pain before it disables me from getting out of bed period. I am scared that I may run out of meds and will not be able to make it through the night at works. The reason for my back pain is still unknown. The most given diagnosis is nerve damage from the epidural needle stabbing into my spinal cord when I had my son, which would make sense since this is when this started, but I have also gotten Fibromyalgia, and other diagnosis having to with where my muscles connect to my bones. Of course they cannot seem to find anything on XRay, MRI, or any other test. Every diagnosis I receive is one that can't proved, can't really be tested for, really more of a guess since no one knows the causes, and there is never a cure, just an array of treatments that have worked for some patients in some studies yet have so many side effects most aren't taken anyway. Same thing with my constant exhaustion. It has been attributed to Fibromyalgia, depression, and most recently Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My hormones have also remained imbalanced since having my son, they just decided not to go back to normal which doesn't help with my mental stability. I hemorrhage during menstrual cycles to the point of passing out from blood loss. I wake up and find bruises covering my body. I have random days full of joint pain where it hurts to walk on my feet, bend my fingers and toes, bend over, or bend my knees to walk at all. I have days my back hurts so bad that I can barely stand yet if I sit down the pain travels into my tailbone only making things worse. I bend over and can't get back up. Did I mention I was 22? I have debilitating migraines lasting 1 to 3 days complete with throwing up the entire time, this includes even water. I can't open my eyes bc any amount of light makes it feel as if my head might explode, same thing applies to any semi-loud noises. I have had so much pain behind my eye that I actually had a conversation with myself in my head over whether I should just try to pull my ye of of its its socket to try to relieve the pressure against it-it's not like anything could be more painful that what is already happening anyway. I throw up until my throat bleeds and when the nausea finally recedes it hurts to put food in my stomach bc at this point my tummy thinks food is some kind of foreign object invading my body. I pee blood quite frequently and sometimes puke blood too. My bladder swells to the point that I look exactly the same as I did at 4 months pregnant. This causes me to have cramps in my bladder, menstrual cramps, and abdominal cramps all in one. My weight fluctuates constantly. I go from being anemic and back to normal constantly for no known reason, but am always too pale, easily bruised, and completely exhausted regardless. Life is hard, it's always a struggle, but mine becomes unbearable at times. I see that my apartment is dirty and I need to clean it but I am too tired to get out of bed or just the thought of the pain I will feel while trying to bend over and pick up dirty laundry off the floor prevents me from doing anything about it. My son asks me to carry him to bed and I have to tell him no bc my back hurts. Or I have to ask Jarrel to buckle him into his carseat bc I can't even lift him that far. I have no motivation bc of the exhaustion. I lose entire days spent in bed with awful back pain that sometimes even my prescriptions won't cure or completely debilitated from a migraine. I spend hours in the bathroom throwing up every ounce of substance that I swallow. I have to make that dreaded call to work explaining once again that I can't make it. I have to cancel date night with my boyfriend. Sometimes I have to take too many meds to function just to avoid the pain and the trip back to the hospital. I lose money by missing work and then spend money that I don't have to try to pay for prescriptions so that I can return to work. I am scared of applying to school bc I don't want to miss so much that my grades start to slip. I hate it that people think I am just lazy or unmotivated of full of excuses, because for every one thing I don't accomplish each day I kick myself for it, I blame myself for not trying hard enough even though in all reality I know there really wasn't much else I could have done.I feel like I could be a better mother and spend more quality time with him if I could get out of bed or not be in pain. I feel like I should be able to do more around the house. I feel like I should be able to help my boyfriend out more instead of always being so needy. I feel like I could be more reliable at work. I feel like I have so much potential that is wasting away bc I am stuck inside this body that shouldn't be mine. I just want someone to listen to me and to help me. I just want a doctor that cares enough to care, but sometimes that just seems like I am asking too much. And I stay up all night on nights like these trying to figure out what to do next and worrying too much to sleep as the tears fall in a constant stream of hurt, of pain, of feeling of being lost, alone, and hopelessness, and of fear of what tomorrow might bring. But i know it doesn't matter what time it is now bc I will be just as exhausted if I go to bed now(after 3am) or if I went to bed a t 9. The one good thing I can say is that I have realized who my real friends are, who really cares, and i am so thankful for all the friends and family I have here supporting me now and for those who helped me in the past. God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life at exactly the times I needed them the most and I am forever grateful for that. I may be suffering now, but one day I will be stronger for it and I will get to where I want to be in life. I can see my dad telling me that if he were here.
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